Book Review: I'm Glad My Mom Died

Because of recent events, I just want to say, first thing, my mom is fine! She is home from the hospital and is on the path to recovery. This post is simply a review of the memoir I'm Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy.

A warning up front this book covers material that may be triggering to some readers. I will not go into detail with these events, but I will probably mention them in the context of the story.

Jennette McCurdy is best known for her roles as Sam Puckett in the Nickelodeon shows iCarly and its spin-off Sam & Cat. She worked to continue her acting career after her time with Nickelodeon, but never found the level of success she had on those shows. Jennette grew up living with her three brothers, parents, and maternal grandparents. Her family practiced the Mormon faith and they were homeschooled.

Growing up as a child in the 1980s, I was led to believe there were very specific people who would be a threat to me. The first group of predators would be any person unfamiliar to me. They used the catchy little slogan of "stranger danger" to identify this group to me. The second group was so evil that they worshiped Satan. The fear instilled about these assailants came to be known as the Satanic Panic.

The Satanic Panic turned out to be almost completely false. Among roughly 12,000 claims, there was zero evidence found of a well-organized, intergenerational satanic cult that sexually molested and tortured children. As for strangers, studies performed in more recent years have shown that you are far more likely to be the victim of some type of assault perpetrated by persons known to you.

These "scares" may have even opened avenues for abuse to occur because parents, officials, and governments spent unnecessary resources combating these problems that didn't exist. These funds could have gone to aid victims in real abuse situations. It could have helped raise awareness about types of abuse that commonly occur.

Reading Ms. McCurdy's story reveals to me what is a sad truth. Most acts of abuse, especially those committed against children, are perpetrated by a family member. In Jennette's case, the abuse was primarily suffered at the hands of her mother, Debra McCurdy.

The book starts when Jennette is six years old. Her mother survived stage 4 breast cancer after a long battle. Jennette opens a present that she doesn't particularly care for, but she must pretend that she loves it or her mom will come unglued. Her mother always holds the possibility of a relapse over her head. For her birthday wish, she wishes her mom will continue to live.

It is not long after this that her mother tells Jennette that her parents never gave her a chance to pursue her dreams as a child. Debra wanted to be an actress, but her parents would not permit it. Now that Debra has a daughter of her own, she is determined that Jennette will become a star at any cost.

Debra forces Jennette to go to auditions. Despite not having much excitement or interest in acting, Jennette books several small gigs and her roles continually became larger. If at any point Jennette expresses hesitancy, her mother will fly into extreme emotional outbursts and become highly emotionally manipulative or abusive.

Jennette learns from a young age how to read her mother's moods. She seems to predict how her mother will react to nearly any situation. Jennette expresses after witnessing a fight between her mother and father that she doesn't understand why her dad cannot foresee how his comments will affect his wife.

While auditioning for a role in Princess Paradise Park, Jennette receives her first instructions from her Still Small Voice. This voice is taught to be the voice of the Holy Spirit to members of the Mormon faith. Her voice tells her to do things like lock and unlock a door a certain number of times, twirl around, or touch the elastic band of her underwear a certain number of times. These behaviors are also commonly associated with people who have obsessive-compulsive disorder. Jennette listens to her Still Small Voice.

Jennette notices that her body is changing. She is entering puberty. Jennette expresses concerns to her mother that her developing body may interfere with her status as a child star. Debra says not to worry, that she has an excellent way to make sure Jennette remains looking young. Debra teaches her eleven-year-old daughter about "calorie restriction".

Jennette becomes accomplished at managing her diet and gets her weight down to 61 pounds. This causes concern when she goes in for a check-up with her pediatrician, who asks Debra if Jennette has anorexia. This is the first time Jennette has ever heard this word.

She also reveals that in this same timeframe her mother continues to bathe her, now teenage daughter, regularly. Debra will scrutinize Jennette's body, paying especially close attention to her developing breasts and vagina. Jennette describes how she wishes she could be somewhere else while she was bathing and that she would allow her mind to drift away.

Jennette eventually lands her role as Sam on iCarly and this brings financial stability to her family for the first time in her life. On iCarly is where Jennette meets possibly her first real friend, Miranda Cosgrove. Throughout the story, Miranda remains a constant source of connection and positivity for Jennette.

Debra pushes Jennette to try her hand at becoming a singer and an actress. They decided it would be best for her to pursue a career in country music. While working on her album in Nashville, Jennette learned from their shared e-mail account that her mother's cancer had come back. Debra must return to California for treatment, but she insists Jennette continue with her promotional tour.

This tour, at 18, is the first time Jennette has been away from her mother for more than a few hours. While on tour, not knowing how to control herself without constantly being told what to do, Jennette begins binge eating. She also has her first unscripted kiss.

Upon returning from tour, Debra meets Jennette at the airport. Jennette notices how the cancer and treatments have emaciated her mother. Debra notices how the lack of supervision and binge eating have enlarged her daughter. Debra demands that Jennette immediately resume a strict diet and that she can't believe how "chunky" she looked.

As filming of iCarly resumes, Debra's health continues to decline, and Jennette becomes ever more concerned with it. Debra decides to "stay the night" with Jennette in her new apartment. This night extends for several months. One evening Jennette tells Debra that she is going to spend the night with Miranda. In fact, she is going to her boyfriend Joe's. Her mother, for the first time, becomes violent towards her and calls her a liar and a whore.

Nearly a year later, Jennette goes on a trip to Maui. This trip is the Season 5 wrap gift for the cast of iCarly. Jennette tells her mother that she is taking this trip with her gay male friend, but she is going with Joe. The two are caught on a beach by the paparazzi, and the photos are quickly published. Jennette wakes up the next morning to 37 missed calls, several e-mails, and many posts on Facebook from her mother, most of which are vicious in their language.

Debra's health continues to decline, and she eventually succumbs to the cancer. Jennette cannot deal with the loss of her mother. Her already established eating disorders ramped up. Now she develops bulimia. She also relies on alcohol to blunt her feelings.

Jennette is also struggling to find her way as an adult in life. Her relationships are temporary. As soon as she considers or is bothered by her boyfriend, she ends things and moves on. She becomes a full-blown alcoholic and loses all control of her eating disorders.

After many setbacks and some false starts, Jennette found treatment that worked for her. She spends more time working on herself and less time worrying about other people. She accepts herself. She can finally say that her mother was abusive, mistreated her, and took away things that she can never get back. In being able to admit this, she is no longer controlled by her eating disorders or binge drinking.

This book is extremely intense. There were absolutely parts of it that made me uncomfortable, to say the least. I am saddened that there are people in this world who would treat their children the way Debra treated hers. I can not stand the thought of my daughters struggling with thoughts like these.

If you are having any issues with eating disorders, substance abuse, depression, or any other mental crisis, please seek help. There are people who care deeply for you and love you. You can also reach out to 988 if in the US or go to 988Lifeline.