It has always been hard for me to accept praise. If someone ever pays me a compliment, I get flustered. Normally, I will deflect or downplay their praise. I usually won’t talk about my accomplishments. Any conversation in that vein feels like bragging to me.

Most of my life, I have had fairly low self-esteem. It is much easier for me to see my failures or shortcomings than my achievements. These flaws seem to be what sticks out when I take a self-inventory. I see stacks and stacks of negatives and only minor positives.

If someone pays me a compliment on a picture I’ve posted online, I will politely thank them, but on the inside I am thinking about the 20-30 failed shots that I deleted and all the editing I had to do on the one that was posted. My mind understands that this is the case for most photographers. Thousands of shots wind up deleted while only a few select images get released for public consumption.

My heart, on the other hand, says if I were as good a photographer as this person stated, I would have only had to take that one shot. That image would have been captured in the camera and little to no editing would have been needed.

This is how I have received praise for the majority of my life. I take the statements from others and filter them through the lens of my own poor self-esteem.

The last few years, I have been trying to allow myself to believe what other people tell me when they praise me in some way. I have fought the urges to say thank you, but…

My amazing wife has been one of the biggest influences on my ability to change this behavior. She praises me and helps me to see the good things about myself. She had some of my photographs printed and hung them on the walls in our house because she says they are good enough to be displayed. That means the world to me.

I have been working hard to improve my mental health in many ways. I have started trying to keep a journal. This helps me track the smaller, daily things that occur. I have gone to a doctor and started taking an anti-depressant to help me lessen that negative inner voice. I am writing this blog to give myself an outlet to express things instead of bottling them up. Furthermore, I meditate frequently to try to ground myself and keep my mind from running away down those darker rabbit holes.

There are things that I am proud of this year. I have reached a milestone of 500 followers on Twitch! This is a tremendous triumph for me. I have started my own website, which I programmed in a text editor myself. I have been coping very well with a larger than normal amount of stress. I’ve been open with my wife about how things are affecting me and when I’m struggling.

I am proud of the progress I am making in my emotional health, and I’m excited to continue to grow in these areas. I hope that along the way, me sharing these thoughts may even help others.

Keep growing. Allow yourself to be proud of what you’ve done. Listen to people when they tell you how awesome you are. Keep reaching for the stars because one day you may just touch them!