Welcome to The Rookery

Several years ago, I was awakened with the most intense, searing pain I had ever experienced in my life. I had the sensation that someone was stabbing in the lower back with a red-hot knife. I managed to get to my feet and made it to the restroom for my morning bladder relief. This immediately added a new level of psychological terror to my physical discomfort.

My urine had come out a dark, muddy brown color.

Mr. Hamm came to my rescue and graciously drove me to the hospital in the “Hamm-bulance”. It didn’t take the emergency room staff long at all to come up with a preliminary diagnosis. I was passing a kidney stone.

Most people have heard that a kidney stone is one of the most painful experiences a person can have. It was certainly the most physically painful experience that I have endured. At the time Mr. Hamm was extremely kind and supportive while I was being seen to by the hospital staff. He expressed that he felt sympathy for me and that he also understood how this was touted to be an extremely painful experience for anyone.

I think this is an important trait to possess and to exercise. As a human being, in my opinion, you should continually strive your best to understand a situation from the perspective of everyone involved. Allow yourself to consider how you would feel or what your thoughts might be if you came from a different background (race, religion, gender, etc.). It seems to me that too often in today’s societies, people are so dismissive of another person if they don’t instantly align completely with your own world views.

Taking the time to consider things from different angles allows you to grow as a person. It forces you to exercise your mind similarly to yoga for the body. It keeps your ways of thinking flexible and adaptable. This should not be considered a weakness. I can’t understand how a person developing the ability to change their opinions or beliefs in the light of new experiences or evidence has come to be considered as a character flaw.

Mr. Hamm could have easily made fun of me for calling him because I was in pain. He could have taken the opportunity to deride me for my weakness. He could have told me that women give birth every day and that is far more painful and that I should stop whining. There are many ways he could have reacted, but he was kind and supportive. To me, this shows a tremendous strength of character.

It was just a few months ago that I received a call from Mr. Hamm to let me know that he was sorry. I was utterly confused. I couldn’t think of a single thing he should be apologizing for. He told me that he had been to the hospital just a few days earlier and was diagnosed and treated for a kidney stone. He said that he had no idea the level of pain that I was in when he so graciously transported me to the ER.

Even though he was kind to me and treated me with complete respect, he said that until he had experienced it for himself, he just had no basis for truly understanding. I only relay this last bit to illustrate that even though you try to put yourself into another person’s place mentally, there is no possible way to truly know their place until you have been there yourself. Sometimes experience is the only teacher.

As the world exists today, I think the only way we can make things better is through empathy. You have to be willing to accept that not everyone’s experience of the world is the same. Even two people going through the same point in time and space may experience that moment in drastically different ways based on their perceptions. Remember, just because someone doesn’t agree with you doesn’t mean that they are your enemy. Strive to understand why they disagree and understand that perspective.

Don’t ascribe to malice that which can be explained by incompetence. In other words, don’t assume that just because a person does or says something that they meant it to be hostile. Most times, they have just never considered how those words or actions could be viewed from any other angle than their own.

Try to be good to yourselves. And be kind to each other.

A body remains at rest … unless it is acted upon by a force.

—Sir Isaac Newton

This is my problem right now. I have been at rest. There are many things that I desire to do, but I have not been able to find that acting force to nudge me into motion.

I do enjoy writing these thoughts here. It helps me to parse things that I am unable to in other ways. I also hope that my insights may be beneficial to at least one other person out there…somewhere.

I have the first lines of so many of these posts written, but can’t seem to find the way to capture the essence of my thoughts in a way that I think others will be able to relate to. I also fear that when I do get things down, my writing will be lacking and too simplistic for another to enjoy.

I find myself locked in a battle within my mind. I want to write and let these thoughts into the world. Any time I sit down to commit the act, I become paralyzed and can’t seem to find the courage to press my fingers to the keyboard.

This inability to act doesn’t just affect me when I write. I find myself in this stale-mate all too often. I want to go to a concert or sporting event with my wife, but I’m afraid to. I wish I could talk to new people in person, but I freeze up around strange people. Many times when I try to make decisions, I will just sit and debate pros and cons for hours without ever coming to any conclusion for fear of making the wrong choice.

Frequently, I feel like a dog chasing its tail. I know that I am going in circles; I just don’t know how to stop. This loop keeps me trapped inside my head and I can’t bring forth an action in one way or another.

I know this can be extremely frustrating to the people around me. They just want something to happen, as do I. Where can you learn the skills to break these thought loops?

Normally, when I write these, I try to have a solution to my problem or a bit of advice for others to maybe help them deal with a similar situation. This time I’m just writing to say I have a difficulty, and I’m not sure how to address it.

If you have any advice, I’d be more than happy to have it.

Recently, I once again found myself facing one of my biggest dreads. I was heading out to spend the day with the family at a gathering with an enormous number of other people in attendance.

I can’t quite put into words why being in a crowd of people bothers me. Whenever I find myself in these situations, I simply start to feel like I don’t belong there, and I need to leave. I’ve never gone so far as to have a panic attack, but I often find myself antsy.

This event was a chance for people of all fandoms to meet their celebrities of choice. I have not seen this eclectic of a mix of notable people from across the spectrum of pop culture. There were several people who have played Superman and Supergirl, some pro wrestlers, comic book artists, TV show stars, movie stars, voice actors, and other pop culture phenoms.

The weather the day of the event was scorching heat, with dispersed rain showers. Between the sun and the rain, it felt like walking through hot soup to get to the convention center. On the way in, we saw a poor gentleman in a full-body foam rubber The Thing cosplay from Fantastic 4. He was pouring sweat and breathing heavily. He managed to give us a wonderful “It’s clobberin' time!” as we walked past despite his condition.

Inside the building, there was air conditioning, but the oppressive heat from outside made itself known in other ways. There was a mass of people who had all been outside, and it created a certain fragrance in the air of the convention center. Along with the body odor, the heat emanating from the press of people was tangible.

I was surprised by the size of the gathering. This building was three stories and all three were packed with things to be done. There were meet and greet booths, vendors selling their wares, and group panels for Q&A sessions.

As we got further into the building, the space seemed to open up and allow you room to breathe. We stopped to review the map to orient ourselves and find all the points we wanted to scope out. We decided the first order of business would be to find the kids' celebrity guest that brought us here in the first place.

Both of our children (you will hear me refer to them as Pliny the Elder and Pliny the Younger) were over the moon to attend Fanboy Expo. Among the famous people to be there was a gentleman by the name of Steve Burns.

For a nominal fee, you could go up to meet Steve and, depending on how much you were willing to spend, get signed merchandise or a selfie with him. You may be asking yourself, as I was, who is Steve Burns? He is best known for his role as Steve on the children’s television show Blue’s Clues.

Steve was gracious and handled the Plinies admirably. He took a few moments to speak with each of them and even gave the Younger a sticker. He posed with them for some selfies and even took multiple shots with a few of them being silly. The kids were over the moon with what a great guy Steve was.

I went online a bit later and did some reading up on Steve. He seems to be the next version of Mr. Rogers. People that know him or have followed his career say that he is one of the nicest people you could ever hope to meet. My small amount of self research backs up this claim 100%. He was a treat to meet with the kids, and all his recent content I looked up was inspiring and positive.

While we were inside the building, I did have to calm myself down a few times as the proximity of the crowds with the noise and heat did start to get to me. I would never have gone to an event like this for myself. Every so often, it is easier to be a stronger person on the behalf of others.

I knew how excited our kids were to attend this event. Pliny the Elder even did her first cosplay. She went as Ellie from The Last of Us. Several people gave her a solid looking over, and a few even asked if they could take photos with her. I wasn’t going to let my insecurities impact our kids having a great day out!

Occasionally, it is easy to let fear rule your life. Fear does have its place, but it should not be the sole reason for decisions. Forcing myself into situations like this is arduous, but each time I overcome my fears, it gets easier. My wife has been a tremendous support for me with these types of issues. We have been to a few concerts and live shows together, which is something I never thought I’d do.

If you find yourself passing up moments of your life because they are scary, please consider that maybe, you CAN do those things. Perhaps, like me, you could find it easier to push yourself if you frame it as an act of service for one of your loved ones. I have come through each of these trials feeling better about myself and realizing that I can do so much more than I ever gave myself credit for. I have also had the joy of experiencing these wonderful moments with my family!

Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts. I hope your days ahead find you able to conquer some challenge in your life and come out the other side all the better for it.

Several months ago, for work, I had to go into areas of my state where there had been significant flooding. Some of the businesses I went into had suffered up to six feet of water inside their buildings. I know it can be challenging to imagine that amount of water in say, a Rite Aid. The damage it does goes so much further than just what is caused by things being destroyed because they got wet.

Being in the area as it was recovering from such a devastating disaster brought to my attention many things that I had never considered as effects of such events. I was informed by the employees of various stores that due to the cost of repair, their corporate offices had decided to just not re-open after the clean-up. Two of these locations were pharmacies that were in the same town. This left only one pharmacy for the entire town.

This is just one example of the knock-on effects of a natural disaster. I’m sure there are dozens more, but I hadn’t even considered that a business might just decide that it wasn’t worth the cost of rebuilding and abandon the people of the area. Especially when that business provides such a valuable service to the community.

More recently, the town I live in was struck by an F4 tornado that demolished many businesses and homes. I was in the basement of our house with my family when that vortex passed through. Fortunately, we were unscathed except for some minor hail damage to our vehicles.

It is a shame that it can take an event as catastrophic as these to get your attention. Both of these examples started me thinking about how fortunate I am. Not just that we didn’t suffer damage from the storms, but in many aspects of my life.

As I’ve been undertaking this mental health journey, I have seen in many resources that gratitude is a key to good mental health. At first, I didn’t understand how the two things would be related. What could saying a good thing that happened to me today possibly have to do with mental health? How does writing down that a person complimented me today impact my overall state of well-being?

Making this process of gratitude into a habit has indeed benefited my overall mood. It isn’t simply the act of writing down a nice thing that happened. You are training yourself to focus on and think about the positive things from your day. It subtly turns your thought processes to begin to pay more attention to those things than the negative. It has helped me to see that my days are, in fact, more good than bad.

Along with the daily gratitude, these natural disasters (which are occurring far too frequently) have even helped me to see how lucky I am in life overall. I have a loving wife, two amazing children, and a nice house. My life isn’t perfect by any measure, but it is far better than it could be.

We have holidays in America to instill this gratitude into our culture. Today, Memorial Day, is one such holiday. On this day, we reflect upon the sacrifices made by so many men and women of our armed services. Those who put their lives on the line and paid the ultimate price to protect the freedoms and ideals of our great nation. Please take a moment as you read this to be thankful for those outstanding individuals.

We also have other holidays that stress the importance of recognizing how fortunate we are. These include Thanksgiving, Labor Day, and Independence Day just to name a few.

I cannot recommend highly enough that if you are in a low place and feeling down, how beneficial this practice of daily gratitude can be. It may sound silly to you reading this, but just give it a try for thirty days and see if it helps you. Look for those positive things that occur throughout your day and record them. When you write them down, take a moment to truly appreciate them as well. Realize those things that are good and allow yourself to be truly grateful for them, no matter how small they may seem at first.

Today I am grateful for my family, the new friends I’ve made from streaming, and for those who served our country and fought for our liberties. I hope that you also find things to be thankful for today and every day.

I listened to a podcast recently that discussed lies and why people lie. It started me thinking about the subject in more detail. What exactly is a lie? Is it ever ok to lie? Why do people tell lies in the first place? Are there different types of lies?

I must admit that this topic appears to be far too familiar in today’s world. It makes me sad and exhausted to feel like I must question any information I’m given. There is a never-ending stream of statements that must be fact-checked. This is one way that former Soviet operatives hoped to destroy their enemies. Bombard your opposition with so much false information that no one knows what to believe anymore, and they just give up even trying to find the truth.

What is a lie?

By definition, it is to make an untrue statement with the intent to deceive or to create a false or misleading impression. I don’t think it is as simple as it appears. After all, we have what most people refer to as “white lies”. These are meant to protect or appease others.

On this podcast, there was a neurodivergent person who said for the longest time in their life they could not understand why people would say that she was not fat. She said that she owned a mirror and could see demonstrably that her body was larger than average. It confused her as to why people would just deny reality.

I often feel this same way when I am speaking with people. I will make a statement that to me is just true. There is no ill intent about it or hostility behind it. People will seem to be shocked or confused as to why I would say something so negative about myself. I don’t see the need to sugar-coat reality. I am overweight. I don’t sing well; as anyone who attended my 2-year anniversary stream can attest. There are many other examples. It confounds me when people argue these statements with me. I own a scale and mirrors. I have heard recordings of myself singing.

Is it ok to lie?

You may feel that white lies are not only acceptable, but desirable. That is a perfectly valid opinion. I mean, who wants to be the person that hurts others’ feelings? At the same time, it can be confounding to some people, who just see your good intentions as an inability to see facts.

If it is acceptable to tell these lies that protect others, then where do we draw the line?

I maintain that it is nearly always better to tell the truth. That doesn’t mean you have to be rude or unkind. It angers me when people say something hurtful and follow it up with, “I’m just being honest.” No, you aren’t just being honest, you are being mean. You can say most things in a gentle way and remain truthful. Being honest does not have to imply rudeness.

The Bald-Faced Lie

The podcast I listened to also referred to this type of lie as the “Bully Lie”. I like this term. It gives a much more clear picture of the type of people that tell this lie.

The bully lie is the type of lie that someone would steal the hat from your head and place it upon their head, and then tell you that they didn’t steal your hat. It is a type of lie that attempts to exert power over others. You know undoubtedly that their statement is untrue, as do they. The point of the lie is not to deceive, but rather to say that I have the power to simply deny reality and there is nothing anyone can do about it.

There are certain individuals in recent times that will make statements about things like the enormous crowds at their events when there is video proof that the crowds were moderate at best. They have also made statements that the rain stopped, and the sun came out when they started speaking, when you can watch videos of the rain continuing to come down for the duration of their speech.

The Truth is Out There

As a person alive today who values the truth, the state of our information systems today gravely worries me. Oligarchs purchase or run our major social networks and have banned or suppressed speech of those who dare stand up for truth and call out the lies. The worst part is these oligarchs silence the dissent in the name of free speech.

State adversaries are using AI to pump disinformation and misinformation to hundreds of small websites. Chatbots from all our major AI companies are in turn devouring this data and then spitting it back out as fact when users ask questions about these topics.

In a world where it is nearly impossible to determine fact from lie, how does one know who or what to believe? How can people reach a point of mutual understanding when they are separated by oceans of differing “facts”? How do we get to a point of acceptance of others when the world seems so hyper-partisan and tribalistic?

I only hope that one day soon we can wake up as a species and realize we aren’t enemies. We all need each other to survive. There is no us versus them on our little blue marble. I look forward to seeing you there.

About Ourselves

One of the things I’ve been working on recently is my inner dialogue. I am learning that you must be cautious with the stories you tell yourself. It had been commonplace for me to think about how little talent I had in my photography, or how bad I was at writing. These self-doubts have prevented me from even attempting these things for most of my life.

I would tell myself all the time that I wasn’t good enough to do something or that I didn’t deserve the chance at something. I’ve heard this term and I feel that it is overused, but I am now going to be one of those people that over-uses it. In most things in my life, I feel like an imposter.

I constantly worry that someone will find out how bad I actually am at these any of the creative outlets that I try my hand at. I feel that I don’t deserve the remarkable community I have on Twitch. Furthermore, I can’t fathom why people listen to our podcast (especially since we haven’t put a new episode out in over a year). I write these blog posts and wonder why anyone would take the time to read them.

About Our Relationships

Another common activity I had to pass my time was having conversations in my head with other people. I would provide both sides of these exchanges, and often I would feel angry or hurt by the things “the other person” had said.

The problem with this kind of indulgence is that it leads you to harboring resentment and/or anger towards the ”person” you had the conversation with. Now you are upset at this other person for words and actions that you forced onto them. You can start to hold grudges about things that have been ”said”.

Maybe you don’t have ”conversations” like this. Perhaps, you tell yourself stories about why someone in your life does certain things or acts a specific way. Have you ever asked them why they do that?

You might think that when this person clears their throat that it means they have had enough talking. So every time they cough, you just shut down and stop conversing because you have decided that is a signal that they don’t want to talk anymore.

Possibly, however, the cough is simply a cough, and it doesn’t reflect at all on their willingness to communicate. You have just told yourself the story of this cough and what it indicates. Keeping the lines of discourse open and not letting yourself fill in intentions for another individual’s actions could save you a lot of grief.

About the World

There were times in the past when I would allow myself to spiral down into all the what-ifs in the world. What if Putin launched the nukes? What if China declared war on us? What if I crashed my car in some horrible way.

I could fill hours of my day thinking about all the horrible things that might happen. This would cause me to get stressed out and build up tons of nervous tension. I would become easily agitated and would find myself tightly clenching my jaw. On days that I had spent time with these fantasies, I would find that I often ground my teeth at night as well.

My Journey

The last few years, I have been on a journey to better my mental health. It is and has been a slow process. It took me forty plus years to establish my mind the way it is today. I can’t expect to make correct all my bad habits overnight.

I still struggle with having confidence in myself. I have stopped having the fake conversations with people almost completely. I have also worked diligently to stop dwelling on things that may come to pass. I feel that I am less stressed overall than I have been in a long time.

I’ve had help on this adventure from many sources. The most important one to me is my wife. She has been incredibly supportive of my process of self-discovery and since she is a mental health care professional, she has been able to give me some extremely constructive advice.

You have to be cautious with the stories you tell yourself. The human mind is a curious thing. Even though it is the thing creating all these illusory realities, it can often become convinced that they are real. Your body will respond to these daydreams as if they were, in fact, occurring. For me, learning about meditation and a more Zen lifestyle have been game-changing.

I can no longer allow myself to exist so much in my mind. Be present in the moment. Take things one day at a time. Don’t worry about the things you can’t change. These are all ideas I’ve heard my entire life. It is a shame that I am just now beginning to understand how to implement these philosophies in my life to bring a better peace of mind.

I hope that you can also find something that helps alleviate your concerns and quiets those darker thoughts you may have.

It has always been hard for me to accept praise. If someone ever pays me a compliment, I get flustered. Normally, I will deflect or downplay their praise. I usually won’t talk about my accomplishments. Any conversation in that vein feels like bragging to me.

Most of my life, I have had fairly low self-esteem. It is much easier for me to see my failures or shortcomings than my achievements. These flaws seem to be what sticks out when I take a self-inventory. I see stacks and stacks of negatives and only minor positives.

If someone pays me a compliment on a picture I’ve posted online, I will politely thank them, but on the inside I am thinking about the 20-30 failed shots that I deleted and all the editing I had to do on the one that was posted. My mind understands that this is the case for most photographers. Thousands of shots wind up deleted while only a few select images get released for public consumption.

My heart, on the other hand, says if I were as good a photographer as this person stated, I would have only had to take that one shot. That image would have been captured in the camera and little to no editing would have been needed.

This is how I have received praise for the majority of my life. I take the statements from others and filter them through the lens of my own poor self-esteem.

The last few years, I have been trying to allow myself to believe what other people tell me when they praise me in some way. I have fought the urges to say thank you, but…

My amazing wife has been one of the biggest influences on my ability to change this behavior. She praises me and helps me to see the good things about myself. She had some of my photographs printed and hung them on the walls in our house because she says they are good enough to be displayed. That means the world to me.

I have been working hard to improve my mental health in many ways. I have started trying to keep a journal. This helps me track the smaller, daily things that occur. I have gone to a doctor and started taking an anti-depressant to help me lessen that negative inner voice. I am writing this blog to give myself an outlet to express things instead of bottling them up. Furthermore, I meditate frequently to try to ground myself and keep my mind from running away down those darker rabbit holes.

There are things that I am proud of this year. I have reached a milestone of 500 followers on Twitch! This is a tremendous triumph for me. I have started my own website, which I programmed in a text editor myself. I have been coping very well with a larger than normal amount of stress. I’ve been open with my wife about how things are affecting me and when I’m struggling.

I am proud of the progress I am making in my emotional health, and I’m excited to continue to grow in these areas. I hope that along the way, me sharing these thoughts may even help others.

Keep growing. Allow yourself to be proud of what you’ve done. Listen to people when they tell you how awesome you are. Keep reaching for the stars because one day you may just touch them!

When I was younger, it was easy to see the world in black and white. Things were good or bad. Decisions were easily made. I was full of self-confidence and quick to state my opinions to the world around me.

There was right and there was wrong in every situation. My mind had no eyes to see the gradients that lay between. Indignation would fill me when people would try to explain the subtleties of a scenario. Why couldn’t these people reach a simple conclusion?

As I’ve grown older, I have become one of those people. Now, when a topic comes up in conversation, I try to consider it from all sides. A recent example is when a community member asked if any of the people in Discord would be willing to leave their children for a new partner.

A question like this is easy to say it would be impossible for me to ever abandon my kids! This is the only correct answer to the question, right? I mean, what type of person would abandon their children solely to gain a new partner?

Of course, there are always multiple factors involved when making huge life decisions such as this. It would never be a case of simply choosing a new partner over continuing a relationship with your children. I’m sure that the other parent of the child(ren) also played a major role in this decision.

I thought about this question for an extended period of time before I gave my reply. My reply was this, “I don’t think I would, but you never know until you are faced with that decision and all the circumstances that lead you to that point.”

I hate to say this, but life is mostly gray areas. As I grow older, I see fewer and fewer instances of a clear and concise, easy answer to a given problem. Take the time to consider things from more than one angle and try to keep yourself open to differing viewpoints, as this will help you communicate effectively.

How does one remain optimistic without being crushed? I want to be that person who always looks at the bright side of life. It just feels like whenever I start to think things are going to work out and be great is when I get hurt the worst. Where do people find that balance of being optimistic without allowing themselves to be let down?

Maybe those people just accept that with their hope comes the increased likelihood of pain. If that is the case, I don’t see how you can keep that attitude for an extended period of time. Potentially there is some method for tempering hope that I just haven’t learned how to apply yet. Like how some people can drink one drink and stop while others can’t put it down once they’re going.

I must be one of the people that just keep going. Once I allow myself to have that hope that things will be good, I start to escalate to thoughts of all the other good things that will come as a result. Then, when that first domino never falls, instead of just losing that one domino, I have been denied all the subsequent bonuses that would have followed in my mind. So that one failure becomes amplified to the loss of dozens of things.

As a result, I have conditioned myself to not expect things will work out in my favor. Then, if they do, I will be pleasantly surprised instead of devastated by the loss of all the things I had dreamed of.

This attitude towards life often leads people to think I am angry or depressed, with an extremely negative outlook. I don’t really see myself that way. My inner thoughts are that I would love for things to work out, but I can’t let myself think they will, lest I be destroyed by my own lofty dreams.

I hope at least some of this makes sense to someone. I want to be hopeful, but I’m afraid that being hopeful will lead to pain.

Are you one of those positive people? If so, how do you deal with your emotions when things don’t work out for the best like you believed they would?

Shoshin is a concept from Zen Buddhism that means “beginner’s mind”. It refers to keeping yourself flexible and approaching learning with an open, eager mind and trying to eliminate your preconceptions. I think it is better described by a practitioner of Buddhism.

In the mind of the student there are many possibilities; in the mind of the master there are few.

—Shunryu Suzuki

I feel that putting this concept into practice could benefit from today. In my mind, this philosophy is an excellent way to keep yourself humble and be able to accept new ideas and information. It seems in today’s world that people often refuse to hear information that they don’t already agree with.

By making the conscious effort to keep your mind unlocked; you allow yourself to be open to new ideas and concepts. This is challenging to do. There are many times when it feels like I’m going against my nature to listen to something, but I feel it is important to hear ideas out. You just might learn something that will give you the opportunity to grow as a person in some new way that you had never considered.

My discovery of this concept itself is an example of my striving to learn and improve myself. I only recently heard the phrase from the quote above and found it to be something worth committing to. I have been told that I can be dismissive and closed off to other thoughts. This is not the person I want to be.

Shoshin can be seen put into practice in those who follow the scientific method. People that follow the scientific method allow their hypotheses and theories to be questioned. It is even encouraged for others to question their ideas. A good scientist should always have an amount of skepticism and the willingness to adopt new ideals and information as it becomes available.

In more recent times, scientists changing their opinions to better suit newly discovered information or incorporate new instruments that provide better data have been labeled as unreliable. Yet, this is precisely the behavior one should illustrate as a good scientist. You need to be able to realize when your strongly held beliefs may have been founded on bad data and be able to change your opinions to reflect better understanding.

These people have to be brave to go before the world and say, “I was wrong before.” This is one of the core concepts that makes a person good at being a scientist. I cannot understand why others see this as a weakness of character. This is a person doing exactly what they should do to be proficient at their profession.

I can only hope that I will be able to achieve this level of openness with my thoughts and beliefs. I still feel myself get defensive and start to resist hearing other opinions when my convictions are being challenged. I need to be better at understanding that if my beliefs are sound, then they will stand up to questioning and remain robust and may even become better when I allow myself to question and examine them.