Welcome to The Rookery

It has always been hard for me to accept praise. If someone ever pays me a compliment, I get flustered. Normally, I will deflect or downplay their praise. I usually won’t talk about my accomplishments. Any conversation in that vein feels like bragging to me.

Most of my life, I have had fairly low self-esteem. It is much easier for me to see my failures or shortcomings than my achievements. These flaws seem to be what sticks out when I take a self-inventory. I see stacks and stacks of negatives and only minor positives.

If someone pays me a compliment on a picture I’ve posted online, I will politely thank them, but on the inside I am thinking about the 20-30 failed shots that I deleted and all the editing I had to do on the one that was posted. My mind understands that this is the case for most photographers. Thousands of shots wind up deleted while only a few select images get released for public consumption.

My heart, on the other hand, says if I were as good a photographer as this person stated, I would have only had to take that one shot. That image would have been captured in the camera and little to no editing would have been needed.

This is how I have received praise for the majority of my life. I take the statements from others and filter them through the lens of my own poor self-esteem.

The last few years, I have been trying to allow myself to believe what other people tell me when they praise me in some way. I have fought the urges to say thank you, but…

My amazing wife has been one of the biggest influences on my ability to change this behavior. She praises me and helps me to see the good things about myself. She had some of my photographs printed and hung them on the walls in our house because she says they are good enough to be displayed. That means the world to me.

I have been working hard to improve my mental health in many ways. I have started trying to keep a journal. This helps me track the smaller, daily things that occur. I have gone to a doctor and started taking an anti-depressant to help me lessen that negative inner voice. I am writing this blog to give myself an outlet to express things instead of bottling them up. Furthermore, I meditate frequently to try to ground myself and keep my mind from running away down those darker rabbit holes.

There are things that I am proud of this year. I have reached a milestone of 500 followers on Twitch! This is a tremendous triumph for me. I have started my own website, which I programmed in a text editor myself. I have been coping very well with a larger than normal amount of stress. I’ve been open with my wife about how things are affecting me and when I’m struggling.

I am proud of the progress I am making in my emotional health, and I’m excited to continue to grow in these areas. I hope that along the way, me sharing these thoughts may even help others.

Keep growing. Allow yourself to be proud of what you’ve done. Listen to people when they tell you how awesome you are. Keep reaching for the stars because one day you may just touch them!

When I was younger, it was easy to see the world in black and white. Things were good or bad. Decisions were easily made. I was full of self-confidence and quick to state my opinions to the world around me.

There was right and there was wrong in every situation. My mind had no eyes to see the gradients that lay between. Indignation would fill me when people would try to explain the subtleties of a scenario. Why couldn’t these people reach a simple conclusion?

As I’ve grown older, I have become one of those people. Now, when a topic comes up in conversation, I try to consider it from all sides. A recent example is when a community member asked if any of the people in Discord would be willing to leave their children for a new partner.

A question like this is easy to say it would be impossible for me to ever abandon my kids! This is the only correct answer to the question, right? I mean, what type of person would abandon their children solely to gain a new partner?

Of course, there are always multiple factors involved when making huge life decisions such as this. It would never be a case of simply choosing a new partner over continuing a relationship with your children. I’m sure that the other parent of the child(ren) also played a major role in this decision.

I thought about this question for an extended period of time before I gave my reply. My reply was this, “I don’t think I would, but you never know until you are faced with that decision and all the circumstances that lead you to that point.”

I hate to say this, but life is mostly gray areas. As I grow older, I see fewer and fewer instances of a clear and concise, easy answer to a given problem. Take the time to consider things from more than one angle and try to keep yourself open to differing viewpoints, as this will help you communicate effectively.

How does one remain optimistic without being crushed? I want to be that person who always looks at the bright side of life. It just feels like whenever I start to think things are going to work out and be great is when I get hurt the worst. Where do people find that balance of being optimistic without allowing themselves to be let down?

Maybe those people just accept that with their hope comes the increased likelihood of pain. If that is the case, I don’t see how you can keep that attitude for an extended period of time. Potentially there is some method for tempering hope that I just haven’t learned how to apply yet. Like how some people can drink one drink and stop while others can’t put it down once they’re going.

I must be one of the people that just keep going. Once I allow myself to have that hope that things will be good, I start to escalate to thoughts of all the other good things that will come as a result. Then, when that first domino never falls, instead of just losing that one domino, I have been denied all the subsequent bonuses that would have followed in my mind. So that one failure becomes amplified to the loss of dozens of things.

As a result, I have conditioned myself to not expect things will work out in my favor. Then, if they do, I will be pleasantly surprised instead of devastated by the loss of all the things I had dreamed of.

This attitude towards life often leads people to think I am angry or depressed, with an extremely negative outlook. I don’t really see myself that way. My inner thoughts are that I would love for things to work out, but I can’t let myself think they will, lest I be destroyed by my own lofty dreams.

I hope at least some of this makes sense to someone. I want to be hopeful, but I’m afraid that being hopeful will lead to pain.

Are you one of those positive people? If so, how do you deal with your emotions when things don’t work out for the best like you believed they would?

Shoshin is a concept from Zen Buddhism that means “beginner’s mind”. It refers to keeping yourself flexible and approaching learning with an open, eager mind and trying to eliminate your preconceptions. I think it is better described by a practitioner of Buddhism.

In the mind of the student there are many possibilities; in the mind of the master there are few.

—Shunryu Suzuki

I feel that putting this concept into practice could benefit from today. In my mind, this philosophy is an excellent way to keep yourself humble and be able to accept new ideas and information. It seems in today’s world that people often refuse to hear information that they don’t already agree with.

By making the conscious effort to keep your mind unlocked; you allow yourself to be open to new ideas and concepts. This is challenging to do. There are many times when it feels like I’m going against my nature to listen to something, but I feel it is important to hear ideas out. You just might learn something that will give you the opportunity to grow as a person in some new way that you had never considered.

My discovery of this concept itself is an example of my striving to learn and improve myself. I only recently heard the phrase from the quote above and found it to be something worth committing to. I have been told that I can be dismissive and closed off to other thoughts. This is not the person I want to be.

Shoshin can be seen put into practice in those who follow the scientific method. People that follow the scientific method allow their hypotheses and theories to be questioned. It is even encouraged for others to question their ideas. A good scientist should always have an amount of skepticism and the willingness to adopt new ideals and information as it becomes available.

In more recent times, scientists changing their opinions to better suit newly discovered information or incorporate new instruments that provide better data have been labeled as unreliable. Yet, this is precisely the behavior one should illustrate as a good scientist. You need to be able to realize when your strongly held beliefs may have been founded on bad data and be able to change your opinions to reflect better understanding.

These people have to be brave to go before the world and say, “I was wrong before.” This is one of the core concepts that makes a person good at being a scientist. I cannot understand why others see this as a weakness of character. This is a person doing exactly what they should do to be proficient at their profession.

I can only hope that I will be able to achieve this level of openness with my thoughts and beliefs. I still feel myself get defensive and start to resist hearing other opinions when my convictions are being challenged. I need to be better at understanding that if my beliefs are sound, then they will stand up to questioning and remain robust and may even become better when I allow myself to question and examine them.

This is the word that will define 2024 for me.

2024 has been one wild ride for this lowly husband-dad-streamer-podcaster-photographer. There were many highs and lows these last 12 months. In fact, one of the worst lows in my life happened not that long ago.

I had been working for a company called Redbox for the last 16 years as a Lead Field Service Technician (LFST). My title changed a few times over the years, but my duties remained relatively the same. It was my job to be an expert on all the machines that we serviced. By the end of the company, we had to be familiar with eight different types of machines.

The job kept me on my toes and challenged me to always be learning. Then, sometime in 2021 we were purchased by Chick Soup for the Soul Entertainment. Yes, the same company that owned those books. This was not, however, the company that started the book series. The rights to those had also been purchased by this new parent company.

Our new head rooster then proceeded to rapidly drive Redbox into the ground. We weren’t told how bad things really were until it was all over but the crying.

Around Thanksgiving of 2023 is when the first enormous red flag dropped. The company failed to make payroll for that period, and we were told that it was nothing more than a banking error. If only I’d known then what I know now.

The missed payroll was, in fact, deposited on the Monday following Thanksgiving, but the worst of it was yet to come. We were notified not long before Christmas that there had been an error with transitioning our medical insurance to the new provider for the following year and that we temporarily had no coverage. Everyone was assured that our insurance would be re-instated and that all claims would be paid.

I thought this was highly strange, but everything still seemed to be in hand. We were getting assurances from management that everything was fine. This was nothing more than a simple processing error between the two insurance companies. Around Christmas, we had another late paycheck, and this time people weren’t easily placated.

As we moved into 2024, things seemed to be improving. There were no further missed paychecks, and we had no more issues with our benefits. I did feel that even with things smoothing out and getting better, this could not last. I started to fear for my family and our future stability. I may fail, but I do consider myself to be a source of stability and a dependable force in my family’s lives.

Once into the new year, things plummeted with work. At first, there was “an issue” with our company fleet fuel cards, so we were instructed to use our corporate credit cards instead. This seemed odd, but everything was functioning to keep us moving forward. Then, after just a brief month or so, our cards started to be declined for fuel purchases. This is when we learned that our corporate credit limit was maxed out and the company was sending daily payments to the issuer to free up spending.

We were instructed to get fuel as early in the day as possible. If we were declined to make sure that we didn’t run any tickets if we didn’t have the fuel to get to the site and return home. Once this started, there were weeks sometimes where I was unable to get fuel and had to sit at home. I burned through almost all of my PTO bank, which had previously been close to 300 hours. There were other people in the company who were facing the same challenges as me, but didn’t have the PTO reserve built up that I did.

We kept getting promises that all of this was temporary and funding had been secured that would get the company back on solid ground. These promises never seemed to come to fruition. Moreover, during all of this, I was asked to travel to Memphis, TN every-other week. Like we can’t put gas in the cars, but I’m supposed to book a hotel?

I did wind up making this trip many times at the end of 2023 and into 2024. I was always worried that one day I wouldn’t be able to get food or fill my car back up. Once I was declined when I tried to check in at the hotel. Thankfully, my ROS was close by, and he came and was able to charge the room on his card.

All of this put a tremendous amount of strain on me. I felt like I was letting my family down. I was constantly stressed beyond belief and worried about what tomorrow might bring. My wife was amazingly supportive through all this and never even hinted that things were bothering her. I have no doubt in my mind that without her, I would not have made it through this period.

On June 29, 2024, I received a call from my manager as I was on my way to repair a kiosk and was told to stop right now and go home. I was confused. I had plenty of fuel and was nowhere near overtime. He asked me not to argue and just go home. Everyone was to go home immediately.

We found out by email later that day that our medical insurance had been cancelled by the provider due to non-payment. Moreover, our company had filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy overnight. This was a bombshell to us. We had been promised that everything was fine and funding had been secured to keep things running.

It turns out that the CEO of Chicken Soup for the Soul had been lying to everyone at Redbox. There was no funding, and other things even worse had been occurring with no one the wiser. Despite all the appropriate deductions being taken out of our paychecks, none of our payroll taxes, medical insurance premiums, 401K contributions, or any other payments had been made to the appropriate entities. All of our insurance had been cancelled and there was nothing we could do.

The bankruptcy court looked over our books and laughed and informed leadership that there was no way Chapter 11 filings could proceed. The judge stated that what our leadership had done was borderline criminal and ordered our filing to be moved immediately to Chapter 7. At this point, Redbox ceased to exist.

For the first time in my life since I was fifteen years old, I was now officially unemployed. Thank goodness that we have a system in place for people that find themselves in this situation. Even worse, our medical insurance was gone; also thankfully, we now have the ACA to assist people in these situations.

The problem was that because a judge ordered Redbox closed, all functions of Redbox ceased immediately. There was no official termination of employment. There was no termination of benefits. Everything was just shut down.

As myself and many others went to our local state offices to apply for new medical benefits and unemployment coverage, we hit tremendous resistance because we had no official documents showing what happened. To exacerbate matters, there was no one to get these documents from. Our entire company ceased to exist instantly.

I got lucky and was able to get qualified for both unemployment and medical insurance. Many of the other people in this situation were not so fortunate. We formed a Facebook group to keep in touch with one another and give advice about what worked to try to help others.

I also began searching for a new job. During this period, I was extremely depressed. I felt like I was useless and I had no worth. I had always been a hard worker and had that reliable income. Now I was dependent on my fellow citizens to help provide assistance while I tried to get my feet back under me and get going again.

This is when all the doctor bills started coming in. You see, our insurance wasn’t terminated on June 29. It had been terminated months earlier, but the only person with this information was the CEO of Chicken Soup. He had lied to everyone else and covered all this up. We had thousands of dollars in bills and Anthem was calling us stating that we owed them money as they had paid claims that weren’t covered.

How is this our fault? How can you say I owe you money? I wasn’t the one that didn’t pay. I have paystubs that show the money was taken from me. I can’t help that you weren’t compensated.

How could this be possible? How was this only “borderline criminal” as the judge stated? How could anyone do a thing like this and just walk away? Where was the justice for the individuals who were harmed by this one man’s actions?

Again, I can only say that my wife was my strength and support that got me through all this. I was able to eventually find a new job and things are going better for us now. A large percentage of former Redbox employees have filed a class action lawsuit against our former CEO to try to recover some of what was taken from us. That case is still pending.

All I can say is the last 18 months have been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through in life. I have felt like a disappointment to everyone who depends on me. I have felt that I was a failure and not worth anything. No one in my life has even hinted these types of feelings towards me. I have received nothing but support from those around me. I have an astonishing community of people both IRL and online that have given me that positive encouragement and support.

It has been hard for me to hear it when people have said nice things about me or my character. It contradicts wildly with my current opinions about myself. I feel like I’ve failed everyone around me. I know this isn’t logical, but it is how I feel.

If you are reading this then you are one of those people that has been there for me this last year+ and I am forever grateful for your kindness and support. When times are hard, please keep your head up and know that there are people out there that will lift you up if you can allow them.

This is one of the hardest things for me to do. I feel like asking others for help is placing a burden on them, but if someone asked me for help, I’d do it in an instant. I would rather not burden anyone, so I don’t ask for help. You have all raised me up, and I am hopeful that the coming year will be one with positive experiences for me.

If you want to read some fantastic coverage of the corporate side of these events, you can look up articles by Janko Roettgers. He had phenomenal coverage of this story.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and please join the conversation by commenting. I do try to respond to all comments.

I hope that you all have an incredible 2025 and beyond!

Many times in my life; I’ve let a fear of failing or embarrassing myself stop me from even attempting new things. I am now attempting many of those same things. I have not become more brave or bold in my years; I’ve simply heard some wisdom from others that spoke to me on a deep level, and from that have decided that there is no shame in imperfection.

This was a Kafkaesque undertaking for me. For so many years of my life, I allowed my fear and imagined shame to rule my decisions. I would not allow myself to interact with the world in a new manner. How does a person acquire new skills when you are so afraid of failure that you can’t start?

I didn’t consider this to be an issue for over a decade. I was getting by on my own with the skills I had and was confident in. But then, a new person entered my life for a second time and made me start to think that I should try to broaden myself and try new things.

It was around the same time that I came across a quote that placed many things into a new perspective for me.

A master has failed more time than the beginner has even tried.

—Unknown

To become a master at something, you must have experience. The only way to gain experience is by doing the thing you wish to master. How could I gain these new skills if I never allowed myself to even try?

This idea coupled nicely with two others for me:

The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.

—Henry Ford

And

Try again. Fail again. Fail better.

—Samuel Beckett

With this newfound perspective, I decided to start streaming on Twitch and trying many other things that I thought I would never be good at. I dabbled with photography. I’ve even started writing this blog as a way to teach myself to be a better writer.

Is this content perfect? Absolutely not. Is it the best that I can manage right now? Undoubtedly! I know there is much to learn about story structure and narrative. It is known to me that my prose could be better, but I will no longer let this fear of not being perfect stop me from putting things out there.

From my vantage, I can see similar hesitations in Pliny the Elder and Pliny the younger. I hope that I can teach them these lessons earlier in life than I was able to learn them. I don’t want them to go through their formative years being fearful of trying new things.

Moreover, dear reader, I encourage you not to let fear, shame, or self-doubt lay barriers in your path that prevent you from striving to expand yourself into new arenas. I see things all around me that spark admiration for others. I recognize when people are pushing beyond their comfort zones and I say to you, “Keep going! You are doing a fantastic job, even if it isn’t perfect! Don’t let the thought of what other people may think prevent you from continuing!”

You can do anything, and I’m proud of you for trying!!

She was once a proud and noble vessel. Unfortunately, she was underway and out to sea for too long without proper maintenance. Before we realized it, we were in dangerous waters and had been overtaken by pirates. Our new “captain” pulled every bit of loot he could from our vessel and then scuttled it unexpectedly.

I found myself adrift in a cold, uncaring sea. Voices could be heard from others from the ship calling out and even occasional sounds of happiness as some seemed to be able to help others out of the danger. I struggled and floundered with the cold water and had trouble keeping my head above water.

I had already been unable to keep air in my lungs and had sunk below the surface a few times before finding the strength to kick and stroke and force myself back to the life-giving oxygen above.

It took what felt like an eternity, but I finally saw what appeared to be a life raft coming into view just ahead of me. Desperately I pushed forward hoping that I could find refuge there. Surely, the people there would come to my rescue if I could just get their attention in some way.

I yelled as loudly as I could. It worked! They heard me, and a few of them even acknowledged my plight. My rescue was imminent, and I was going to be ok.

My newfound saviors embraced me and welcomed aboard with open arms. Everything was going to be fine. I was going to make it after all. I could now begin to relax and allow myself to live life back in a state of calm again.

After only a very short time with my new crew, our vessel began to take on water. I was panicked. I had only just gotten here and begun to feel accepted among my new liberators. Everyone seemed to react in different ways. A few of them jumped overboard, choosing to take their chances with the treachery of the ocean rather than risk being pulled down with the rip current from the sinking ship, as had happened to me on my last craft.

To my horror, I found that some of this new crew were drilling holes in our hull! When confronted, they said that they were trying to “Let the water out.” Did they not see how their actions were making the situation exponentially more dangerous to our survival?

Now, here I sit. In this new boat that seems to be sinking, albeit, more slowly than my last. What do I do? How do I survive? Do I follow the lead of others and jump overboard in hopes of finding another rescuer? I feel so lost.

Oh boy, today has been terrible.

Inhale

7…

6…

5…

4…

3…

2…

1…

Exhale

7…

6…

5…

4…

3…

2…

1…

Feel better? I do. Now maybe I can tell you my story. I woke up this morning with a nearly six-hour drive daring me to try to conquer it. Despite the large portion of my life that I’ve spent behind the wheel; I do not look forward to days like this.

Pliny the Elder, as you may recall, is in the middle of her run with the latest play. She has been doing very well and has received many compliments. She impressed me thoroughly with how far she has come in such a short time. Today my mother was planning on attending the show. Pliny was very excited that her step-grandma would be in attendance.

At this point, I am now traveling down the interstate through a major metropolitan area when my phone starts pinging with alerts. My mother and my wife are both texting me about the cost of the tickets for Pliny’s show. My mom had reserved a ticket in advance for herself, but decided to bring her step-great-grandchild with her at the last minute. She was annoyed by the fact that a children’s ticket at the door was $15.

That is all the detail we will go into here, but let’s just say that some things were said via text that got me fairly hot under the collar. When I was about 20 minutes out from my destination, I decided to stop for fuel and to pick up some drinks and snacks. I got out of my vehicle at the gas station and threw away some trash from the car and filled it up.

I drove on down the road to a grocery store to get the drinks and snacks, thinking that it would be more cost-effective that way. Furthermore, I went into the store and got everything I wanted, loaded it into the cart, and went up to pay. As I go to the checkout, I reached for my wallet, and it was not to be found. PANIC!

How was I going to get through the week with no ID, no cash, and no credit cards? Where had my wallet gone? When did I last have it? I know I had it at the gas station because I paid for the fuel. Did I drop it in the car? Did it fall out in the parking lot or as I was walking through the store? I sprinted around the store and into the parking lot, searching for my wallet.

Not here.

It had to be at the gas station. There was nowhere else it could have gone. Please let it be at the gas station. I jumped in the car and raced back down to the station. I looked in the parking lot near the pump I used. Not there. I searched around the entire lot. Nope. I went in and asked if anyone had turned it in. No luck.

I started walking back out to the van. My heart in my stomach. How was I going to get through this week? I had no other choice but to keep going on down to my ultimate destination.

Wait.

I cleaned out my car. Surely, I wouldn’t have… I’ve done less intelligent things. Might as well make sure I didn’t throw my wallet in the—Right there on top of the drive-thru bag laid my wallet in the trash can.

I had been so distracted by all this petty nonsense that I did something this bone-headed.

Please take a lesson from my mistake. When things are getting to you, take a moment. Take a few deep breaths. Let go of your negative emotions. Try not to rush into things. Take your time and ground yourself back into the present. You may just prevent yourself from throwing your wallet in the trash!