About Ourselves

One of the things I’ve been working on recently is my inner dialogue. I am learning that you must be cautious with the stories you tell yourself. It had been commonplace for me to think about how little talent I had in my photography, or how bad I was at writing. These self-doubts have prevented me from even attempting these things for most of my life.

I would tell myself all the time that I wasn’t good enough to do something or that I didn’t deserve the chance at something. I’ve heard this term and I feel that it is overused, but I am now going to be one of those people that over-uses it. In most things in my life, I feel like an imposter.

I constantly worry that someone will find out how bad I actually am at these any of the creative outlets that I try my hand at. I feel that I don’t deserve the remarkable community I have on Twitch. Furthermore, I can’t fathom why people listen to our podcast (especially since we haven’t put a new episode out in over a year). I write these blog posts and wonder why anyone would take the time to read them.

About Our Relationships

Another common activity I had to pass my time was having conversations in my head with other people. I would provide both sides of these exchanges, and often I would feel angry or hurt by the things “the other person” had said.

The problem with this kind of indulgence is that it leads you to harboring resentment and/or anger towards the ”person” you had the conversation with. Now you are upset at this other person for words and actions that you forced onto them. You can start to hold grudges about things that have been ”said”.

Maybe you don’t have ”conversations” like this. Perhaps, you tell yourself stories about why someone in your life does certain things or acts a specific way. Have you ever asked them why they do that?

You might think that when this person clears their throat that it means they have had enough talking. So every time they cough, you just shut down and stop conversing because you have decided that is a signal that they don’t want to talk anymore.

Possibly, however, the cough is simply a cough, and it doesn’t reflect at all on their willingness to communicate. You have just told yourself the story of this cough and what it indicates. Keeping the lines of discourse open and not letting yourself fill in intentions for another individual’s actions could save you a lot of grief.

About the World

There were times in the past when I would allow myself to spiral down into all the what-ifs in the world. What if Putin launched the nukes? What if China declared war on us? What if I crashed my car in some horrible way.

I could fill hours of my day thinking about all the horrible things that might happen. This would cause me to get stressed out and build up tons of nervous tension. I would become easily agitated and would find myself tightly clenching my jaw. On days that I had spent time with these fantasies, I would find that I often ground my teeth at night as well.

My Journey

The last few years, I have been on a journey to better my mental health. It is and has been a slow process. It took me forty plus years to establish my mind the way it is today. I can’t expect to make correct all my bad habits overnight.

I still struggle with having confidence in myself. I have stopped having the fake conversations with people almost completely. I have also worked diligently to stop dwelling on things that may come to pass. I feel that I am less stressed overall than I have been in a long time.

I’ve had help on this adventure from many sources. The most important one to me is my wife. She has been incredibly supportive of my process of self-discovery and since she is a mental health care professional, she has been able to give me some extremely constructive advice.

You have to be cautious with the stories you tell yourself. The human mind is a curious thing. Even though it is the thing creating all these illusory realities, it can often become convinced that they are real. Your body will respond to these daydreams as if they were, in fact, occurring. For me, learning about meditation and a more Zen lifestyle have been game-changing.

I can no longer allow myself to exist so much in my mind. Be present in the moment. Take things one day at a time. Don’t worry about the things you can’t change. These are all ideas I’ve heard my entire life. It is a shame that I am just now beginning to understand how to implement these philosophies in my life to bring a better peace of mind.

I hope that you can also find something that helps alleviate your concerns and quiets those darker thoughts you may have.